


These Chains Never Leave Me

by nelly06061



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/F, Flashbacks, Red Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2019-11-29 01:21:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18216290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nelly06061/pseuds/nelly06061
Summary: You and Natasha knew each other from the Red Room, and are reunited many years later. Will feelings have changed? Will forgiveness be an option? And will they ever break free from their past?





	1. Holding On For Your Call

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: i own nothing and no one in this fic   
> WARNING: voilence, mentions of child torture   
> Title is from ‘Delilah’ by Florence and the Machine <3

‘i doubt she’ll even remember me’ you lied to Fury. you were sat on the other side of his desk, in a smart office in new york. you knew it was probably one of the safest places on earth, but you couldn’t help but feel on edge and alert, which Fury didn’t fail to notice.

he sighed. ‘fine. you’ll make a great addition to the avengers.’ he stood up and snapped your file shut as you breathed a sigh of relief, glad he didn’t push you further and also that you didn’t have to see your past glaring up at you any longer.

‘i’ll take you to the compound now. i’ve told them to prepare for someone new.’

you nodded and smiled in acknowledgment, then followed him out to a car. you calculated each step and move you made carefully, eyes darting around as you took in your surroundings, looking for vulnerabilities, your training kicking in.

you sat in the car next to him, and as he set off you felt his gaze on you.

‘you sure she won’t recognise you?’ he asked doubtfully.

‘there was quite a lot of people there and i was in a completely different class to her. we rarely crossed paths’ you lied smoothly, a lie which would have fooled most people but you weren’t convinced it had fooled Fury. he just shook his head and carried on driving, staying silent til you arrived. you stepped out the car, quickly patting your hip where you had a knife strapped, mainly for your peace of mind.

you followed behind Fury to the compound, walking straight in. you noticed how clean and white it all was, you could tell it was new and it had an air of superficiality about it. you ran your hand along the wall, looking around carefully again, trying to push your nerves back. eventually you reached another room and Fury held the door open, gesturing for you to go ahead. you gave him a small smile, feeling your heart tighten in your chest as you stepped through. there, awaiting you, were the avengers, sitting on low sofas around a coffee table. the room was bright, but considerably comfier and more homely than the office like feel of the area you had just walked through. 

you looked at each avenger quickly, recognising all of them, until your eyes finally landed on natasha. your breath caught as her eyes met yours, recognition immediately filling them. her hair was shorter than when you knew her, but nothing you hadn’t seen on tv. what you hadn’t seen on tv though was the emotion behind her face that she quickly hid, but in that second, you saw the surprise, shock, anger, confusion and something slightly warmer that came with her seeing you. you let your eyes linger on her for another second, looking at her body which was still as perfect and curvaceous as ever, then quickly snapping them away before anyone else noticed.

tony stood up then, smiling at you and walking forwards to shake your hand. ‘welcome to the ave-‘ he started to say, but natasha had stood up and interrupted him.

‘y/n?’ she said it like a question, as if she wasn’t sure it was you, but you knew she had no doubt. she took a step forwards and towards you, and you didn’t need to look away from her to feel the confusion from the others.

you nodded, unsure how to play it now the moment had actually come. ‘hi’ you said meekly, immediately hating yourself for appearing so weak.

‘you’re - ‘ natasha started but trailed off. compared to her usual confident self, the others immediately knew something was not right. ‘not dead’ she finished.

your brain was confused as you looked at her, mixing feelings of anger and love together, creating something dangerous.

‘i would’ve been better dead’ you said coldly.

‘y/n, i thought you were dead, im so sorry’ she took another step towards you.

for all the planning you had done in your head, you let your emotions get the better of you.

‘you don’t get to say that. after you escaped, they find out’ you snapped, and you didn’t need to explain what that meant for natasha to know it would have meant they tortured you.

‘if id have known-‘ she started to speak but you stopped her.

‘what? you should have known.’ you had a wild look in your eyes, anger overtaking as you took a step towards her.

steve stood up then, walking to you and grabbing your arm, reading your anger and step forwards as aggressive. he pinned your arms behind your back. ‘you made a mistake here Fury’ he said, but as soon as the words left his mouth natasha stepped up to him, smacking him.

‘get off her’ she growled at him.

steve looked incredibly confused, but trusting natasha he did.

you and natasha didn’t even need to look at each other to know what to do next, the both of you stepping into each other’s arms. the hug was comforting and familiar, and completely natural.

‘i’ll never forgive myself’ natasha whispered into your ear.

‘it’s fine. i forgive you. i never could hate you’ you replied softly.

natasha then stepped back from you, turning round to face the other avengers. they were all sharing the same look of shock and confusion. natasha had never shown this amount of affection to anyone, never mind an apparent stranger.

‘if anyone even touches her, i will murder you.’ natasha warned them all. she took a deep breath. ‘this is y/n, i knew her in the red room’

you chuckled softly as she said that, that being far from the whole truth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_you heard her sneak out of her bed, moving to crouch down next to yours. ‘y/n, i’m gonna get us out of here’ she whispered in russian as she stroked your hair, wiping away your silent tears with her other hand. ‘i won’t let them hurt you again. i will always protect you’._

_you softly shook your head. ‘you can’t do that.’ you replied in russian. natasha sighed quietly then leaned forward to kiss you softly on your lips._

_‘don’t cry my beautiful. i’ve got you’ she whispered, before disappearing back off into the night._

~~~~~~~~~~~~

tony speaking woke you out of your memories. ‘then welcome to the avengers, y/n’ he said again and held his hand out to you.

before you took it, you quickly assessed him, standing in a way that should anything happen, you would be at a certain advantage. this would go completely unnoticed, expect by someone who had exactly the same training as you. you shook his hand professionally and stepped back, keeping your stance.

‘you don’t have to do that here’ natasha tried to reassure you, but she would be lying if she said she hadn’t done that at first too.

‘do what?’ tony asked lightly, intrigued.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_you kept your eyes open as she smacked you across the face, not flinching._

_‘never stand like that again. you are too exposed’ the harsh russian words came from the Madame B, and she punched you in the stomach to show you what she meant._

_you gasped slightly but otherwise stood still._

_she moved on from you onto the next trainee. ‘natalia, perfect, as always. show her what happens when you expose yourself’ her words came out cruel and twisted, as if she knew it would hurt natasha just as much to punch you as it would hurt you to receive them._

_natasha turned to you, using the weakness of your stance to bring you to the floor, before sitting over you and pinning you down, smacking you where your cheek was already red. you both were the best recruits, but she just edged over you, mainly being emotionally stronger. you both hid the pain on your face as you stood up again and Madame B moved on._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

‘it doesn’t matter’ you brushed off the question quickly, and you knew natasha would immediately take up her old role of protecting you.

everyone else soon came forward and shook your hand, and natasha stayed by your side the whole time. you found it hard to break a force of habit, so you assessed each avenger as they came up to you.

whilst you knew then that none of them would hurt you, there was one bigger question going through your mind. had natasha moved on from you?

 


	2. A Different Kind of Danger in the Daylight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your first night in the avengers compound, and you and natasha try to suss each other out in the early hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for everyone who commented and messaged saying they wanted another chapter!!  
> if im gonna be honest - i forgot i ever said i’d write another chapter for this until yesterday, but now i’ve done it and got up to chapter 6 planned out!  
> i hope you enjoy this, let me know your thoughts once again <3  
> thank you for reading!
> 
> (i wrote half of this on my laptop and half on my phone, so sorry about the incontinuity with the capital letters, it gives me anxiety too :/ )

Darkness surrounded you as you lied in your crisp, new bed, the sheets remaining smooth as you desperately tried to wrinkle them in an attempt to add a more homely sense to this cold and clinical room.

It was a guest room, and you couldn’t complain really. The avengers had all been lovely to you and not questioned yours and Natasha’s antics, and when you soon declared you were tired, you were quickly and graciously shown to your room, and promised a tour in the morning by a smiling Wanda, Natasha stood next to her as she spoke, never leaving your side. She gazed analytically at you, trying to figure out what you were thinking.

But you shut your door to her, not knowing yourself what you were thinking. You knew what you were feeling - a desperate longing and desire for Natasha that had always resided within you making its way to the surface again. But your head and your heart rarely liked to cooperate, and you definitely had mixed thoughts towards Natasha.

She had wronged you. But in a burst of passion you had forgiven her.

She had loved you. And your warm, beating heart still loved her back.

You had qualms. Had she changed? Had she moved on? Did she really care? Were you even doing the right thing being here?

  
In a way that you hated you could do, you squashed all these thoughts and your head was consumed with a deafening silence. You had had to learn to clear your mind, to have no distractions or weaknesses. And you had had to learn to fall asleep in a flash.

So you did.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_‘Natalia!’ a scream from a distant voice, throaty and sore, desperate._

_‘Natalia…..’, a wail this time, from the same voice, but one that was giving in._

_A crash and a sudden flash of light._

_‘y/n, I’m here, it’s okay my sweet darling’, a soothing voice, only just hiding panic._

_A pain, so severe, but from a touch so soft and careful._

_‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry…..’ desperate whispers as your senses began to come back to you._

_Your eyes focused on the figure in front of you, an utterly gorgeous redhead soothing lotion onto your arms and legs, and tying neat bandages around the worst wounds._

_‘Don’t be sorry…’ you heard yourself croaking out, and saw Natasha’s heart break at how much they had hurt you._

_Time seemed to move slowly, the seconds dancing around each other and never moving on._

_But when you focused again, Natasha had finished cleaning you and was looking with worry into your eyes. This was nothing new, you had both been hurt by them before. Perhaps even worse than this. But it was never the same. They always had a new twist to hurt you more, a new punishment for your perfect actions. Therefore the question remained unspoken, but hung in the air and rung in your ears._

_‘Dogs. Three massive alsatians. I was tied down. Only just escaped in time.’ You whispered, the memory scaring you._

_‘Oh my baby,’ Natasha gasped, kissing away your tears which you hadn’t even realised had begun to fall, ‘you don’t deserve this. I am so sorry I can’t do anything to stop it.’_

_You opened your mouth to reply but before you could there was a bang, not loud, but it filled your stomach with more dread than a gunshot would have. The door swung open, and Madame B stepped through, the unmistakable whip in her hand which she twirled menacingly._

_You saw her look between the medical kit Natasha had, and your proximity, and you knew what was to come would make the dogs seem like play time. Next to you you felt Natasha stiffen, but even she knew moving to defend you would be only self destructive and get you hurt even more. You both feared for each other, and in a way that is not normally seen as heroic but purely human, and purely natural for two teen girls, you feared for yourselves._

_She stepped closer to you wordlessly._

~~~~~~~~~

 

The scream this time was unmistakably yours, and you bolted up right in your bed, sweat making the bed sheets stick to you.

A sudden sense of claustrophobia consuming you, you struggled out of the sheets and fell out of the bed onto the floor, breathing heavily and feeling your heart pounding.

The sound of the door being opened however switched you out of your panicking state and immediately you had grabbed the knife from under your pillow and jumped over the bed to the door. The automaticity gave you no time to think and as a figure emerged through the doorway you were already on them, trapping them against the wall with a knife to their throat.

 

‘y/n.’ Natasha said cautiously but sadly, having expected this welcome and therefore letting you pin her, and waited for her release.

 

‘shit. sorry’ you mumbled, dropping the knife from your hand and taking a step back in defeat. you rubbed your eyes as you looked at her in the dim light from the hallway, and you immediately knew she had not slept. ‘how long were you outside?’ you asked, sussing her out straight away.

 

‘never left…’ she replied absentmindedly, her only thoughts those of concern for you. she stepped away from the wall and past you to sit on the edge of the bed.

 

it was a weird situation; two old best friends (and more) now reduced to awkward colleagues. and neither of you wanted that.

 

so you sat down next to her and laid your head on her shoulder, in an attempt to regain some closeness and familiarity. you breathed in her scent and it calmed you, as it always had done. you felt her felt her pick up your arm gently and rest her fingers on your wrist, silently counting your pulse.

 

the sudden urge to lean up and kiss her was overwhelming, but so was the fear still causing adrenaline to run through your body, however there you sat with her, the image of calmness.

 

‘i get the nightmares too. flashbacks.’ natasha confessed, letting go of your arm and pulling you closer, rubbing your side soothingly.

 

you pulled your knees up to your chest and leaned into natasha completely, a shiver running through your body as you thought of it again.

 

‘in the night it’s so real, and in the daylight, well…. it’s a different kind of danger’ you said, trying to explain the mixture of thoughts and emotions which clouded your mind. it was hard to pin one down yourself, nevermind to explain to anyone else. natasha stayed silent and gave you the time you needed. ‘in the night i remember. but the pain is as real as it was then. and in the day it haunts everything i do. i am so scared of hurting anyone.’

 

‘they’re good at what they do. they made us like machines. i can’t say they will go away. the feelings. but you can control your actions, i know you can. i have never have been and never will be scared of you. if you trust me, then you will trust that. don’t be scared of yourself. channel what they did to you to a good cause.’ natasha suggested, thinking of what she had gone through and knowing it would be very similar to what you were going through now.

 

you nodded and just shuffled closer to her, closing your eyes as she wrapped her arms around you.

‘i can’t sleep.’ you said into her chest, your voice coming out muffled.

 

‘come to my room’ she said, and before you had to time respond she had moved your leg around her hip and stood up, carrying you on the side of her hip. you clung onto her like a child, feeling weak and small, and sucking your thumb seemed like the next thing to do.

 

you suppressed your gasp of surprise as she lifted you, which you were not admitting to yourself could also have been a gasp of arousal.

 

she carried you effortlessly down corridors which you tried to your hardest not to, but still mapped in your head strategically, before finally leaning forward to open a door.

 

she reached her hand out and turned the light on slightly, so the harsh light would not shock you, but still giving you the security she knew you would need to be able to look around and see the setting.

 

it was a bedroom. a real life bedroom. adorned with trinkets, photographs, clothes strewn out on the floor, touches of personality everywhere you looked.

 

you stared around in shock, not because you didn’t expect this to be here. but because you didn’t expect to feel like this when you saw it.

  


~~~~~~~

_‘and our bedroom will be blue, like duck egg blue. with bits of pink!’ you added excitedly. ‘and i’ll keep a photograph of our cat on my bedside table.’_

_‘and i’ll keep a photograph of you on mine’ natasha said with a smirk, causing you to erupt into fits of giggles, with her shushing you but giggling too._

_you planned your future together a lot, in a bittersweet way. you were reminded of what you didn’t have, and what there was a real possibility you never would have._

_but it gave hope too, in a time when things only looked down, and your lives were controlled. fantasies, even if that’s all they were, gave you an escape you both desperately needed._

_because in this hell, even each other was only just enough._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

now your fantasies were real, and presented right in front of you. but natasha had lived this without you, and built her life without you. the way she was acting towards you now seemed as if she had not moved on, but some part of your brain told you she must have, or else she would have searched for you, and not made this without you.

 

the bittersweet feeling returned.

 

natasha obviously felt this in you, but chose to ignore it and instead walked over to the bed and gently placed you down, before going to a drawer and opening it, pulling out two pairs of neatly folded pyjamas.

‘you’ll feel better in these’ she advised, throwing a pair over to you. you already had been provided pyjamas, but cold, steamed ones, beige and drab and expensive. natasha was right that you would feel better in hers, and not only because they smelt of her.

 

she gave you a small, almost pitiful smile before walking to a bathroom to get changed herself, showing that at least some of your familiarity had not been regained.

 

trying to rid yourself of your shell shock, you jumped into action and got changed, leaving a small pile of your old (new) pyjamas at the end of the bed on the floor. in natasha’s bedroom.

 

natasha returned quickly, and you tried not to stare at her legs in her pyjama shorts. you had always appreciated her, but now you were older you had a newfound appreciation for her beauty, one you (almost) wished did not exist.

 

she padded over to the bed and climbed in, motioning for you to do the same beside her. you did, relief flooding you as she wrapped her arms around you once again and you moved close to her.

 

‘it’s okay if you fall asleep and it’s okay if you don’t. i’ve got you either way.’ natasha whispered, placing a soft kiss to your head.

 

your heart leapt and you knew she could feel it, but the both of you remained still and silent as the lights went out and you stayed wrapped together for the night.


	3. I Can Never Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the next dawn rises, urges begin to take control of you.  
> Dealings with the avengers will lead to more revelations, and you and natasha finally have a conversation.  
> but what will be the outcome?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support once again!!  
> I'm really excited to write the next chapter, and hopefully see Endgame when it comes out soon!  
> Updates should become slower as I have exams soon but chances are I won't revise so lets see.  
> Enjoy!!
> 
> (Tumblr : natalia-alianovna-bw)

These chains never leave me pt3

 

In the comfort and safety of Natasha’s arms, you had managed to drift in and out of sleep through the night. Every time you woke though, Natasha was always awake too, and always watching you carefully.

She had always been the one to look after you, and it was not something you ever felt guilty about. You had different ways of coping in the Red Room - yours was a need for comfort and affection, to feel loved and warm emotions. Natasha needed to feel in control, and distract herself by looking after you. 

You couldn’t pinpoint the moment you had turned from friends to more in there; as you always were there for each other, and your connection had always run deep. The cuddles blended seamlessly to soft kisses, which had soon turned to stolen moments in the dead of night as you had both grown older.

In an ironic way you were just like any other couple - the only difference was the world you existed in. You had argued, you had laughed together, you had loved each other endlessly. You had even talked about marriage and children.

Now, you didn't know what you were. 

 

You reflected on your relationship, and all you wanted was for a return to that. But Natasha was confusing you, and your brain was confusing itself. Feelings instilled by the Red Room were rooted deep within you; ones of doubt and self loathing that made you unsure of yourself and nervous now. 

When light started to shine through the gaps around the curtains, Natasha moved so she was sat up next to you and you followed wordlessly. You were still wrapped together, limbs entangled as you had moved throughout the night.

 

‘Thank you. For last night.’ You broke the silence, knowing she would understand the meaning behind your words.

 

‘It’s okay. Are you happy to go out and get some breakfast? Everyone else will be up by now too. If not I can bring some back for you. Make sure you keep eating.’ Natasha asked gently, green eyes searching yours for any signs of worry in you.

 

‘I’ll be fine, thanks. Do you have some clothes I could borrow?’ You said confidently, trying to reassure her. You did feel better too, relieved that you were already fitting together again, and there was no awkwardness left after last night.

 

‘Yeah of course, you can take anything you want.’ Natasha said to you with a genuine smile, before getting up to pick out some clothes herself.

 

You watched her for a minute as she graciously moved around her room, but stopped yourself as she began to get undressed. It was nothing you hadn’t seen before, but it had been a few years and you wanted to respect her.

Instead, you rolled out of the bed and chose some comfy jeans and a plain t shirt from her drawers. You tried not to make it awkward as you and Natasha got changed facing away from each other, and hoped Natasha was okay with the situation too. 

 

When you both were ready, Natasha held open the bedroom door for you to walk through, and you walked up to the communal kitchen together in a comfortable silence. Before you could stop yourself, images started running through your head of you and Natasha: the power couple. You would walk down the corridors hand in hand, an unstoppable pair of master assassins, conquering the world and fighting for what you believed in. Famous for what you did, famous for your love for each other.

The sound of people laughing and joking broke you from your fantasies as they began to float down the hallway, and you rounded a corner to find the kitchen, full of the avengers. A few heads turned around to look at you and say a friendly hi, making you feel welcome, but without treating you as a ‘newbie’ or outsider. 

Natasha left your side to put some coffee on, and started to make you both some breakfast. 

 

‘Have a fun night with y/n?’ Tony piped up, asking Natasha with a smirk. He was only jibing with Natasha, not really thinking about how it would affect you.

The only reason Natasha didn’t glare at him, before then attacking him, was that she immediately looked to you to make sure you weren’t gonna freak out.

When she looked, she saw your demeanor almost unnoticeably change, from a more casual, genuine one, to a cut off one, your eyes glazing over.

Turning back to face Tony, Natasha reached out and punched his arm, putting on an act.

‘Oh very funny, Tony.’ She grumbled sarcastically, picking up a mug of coffee and holding it out to you. 

You took it with a small nod of thanks, and stared down into it, swirling it around and watching the patterns it made. Each small movement made the entire liquid change shape and position, and each tiny vibration would affect it so much. It wouldn’t take much for it to be knocked and spill over the side, or end up all on the floor, never to be drunk, wasted and hated.

You had never compared yourself to a cup of coffee before, but it was quite fitting for the current state of your mind.

 

‘How about that tour soon?’ Wanda suggested happily, trying to change the mood and clear the tension.

But something had changed within you. The mixture of feelings of paranoia; of you hurting them, of them hurting you, of distrust of anyone and everything that breathed, had led to this now. Tony’s comment had somehow confirmed in your mind what you had to do.

‘Thanks.’ You said to Wanda, but blankly, and the smile you gave her was tight and insincere.

Natasha cursed under her breath at your actions and swore to get Tony back someday, but for now she just watched you, ready to jump in at any moment.

 

‘Is there anything you need?’ Bruce asked politely, but you just shook your head.

 

A sudden thought crossed you head that filled you with panic, and you cursed yourself for not thinking of it sooner. You were in a kitchen, with some of the most deadly people in the world. Kitchens had knives in, and you didn’t know where they were. You were completely exposed and vulnerable to attack. You looked around quickly, trying to deduce where the knives were, and therefore which avenger was stood right next to them, ready to attack you. You would be dead before you could even blink,

 

A plan quickly formulated in your head though, and you could feel you were losing control of your actions, giving in to the training and programs within you.

 

‘Actually, can I have a knife so I can chop this apple up please?’ You asked, picking up an apple from a bowl on the side and putting on a polite facade again. 

Bruce smiled and nodded, more than happy to oblige, but Natasha knew you never had wanted to chop an apple before you ate it before, and in the way that she had always been able to do with you, figured out exactly what you were doing.

‘No.’ She told Bruce forcefully, and he stopped straight in his tracks.

Ironically, the tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife, if only you knew where they were. Everyone was looking between you and Natasha now, even more confused than they had been when you arrived the night before.

You giggled nervously, pretending to be confused. ‘Nat?’

‘You can eat an apple without chopping it up, y/n.’ Natasha replied with a straight face, only thinking of you and not caring what anyone else thought of what was happening.

‘Well what if I want to chop it up?’ You asked with a giggle again, trying to get the avengers to sympathise with you, and show you were feeling confusion like the rest of them. Making you on their team, and Natasha the one in the wrong. You knew exactly what you were doing, and so did Natasha. ‘Natasha?’ you asked again, fake worry starting to creep into your expression as she took a step towards you, and grabbed you by your arm and dragged you out the room. You let her, turning round to give a shrug to the Avengers as you walked out.

 

As soon as you were out of sight you huffed and pulled yourself free of Natasha’s grip, following her down the endless corridors until she suddenly stopped and turned to face you.

‘You can trust them.You can trust us. You can trust yourself.’ She emphasised, eyes desperately searching yours for any sign of emotion, that the real you was still present there.

You had expected anger from her, but instead her features only showed concern for you. 

‘I can’t, Natasha. You don’t understand. I can’t get them out of my head. I shouldn't be here!’ You hissed to her, although no one else was near. You trusted her completely, but distrusted yourself and everyone else completely too.

‘I do understand. So let me help you, I want you to feel happy and safe, because you can be here.’ 

You scoffed at her words. ‘I can’t be happy without….’ you tried to articulate how much you needed her, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it, with her stood so close to you and filling you with such emotion. She was right there, and she was all you needed. But you couldn’t have her.

‘y/n, you have me. You always had me and forever more I shall be yours. I never stopped loving you.’ Natasha almost pleaded to you, as she finally confessed exactly what you wanted to hear.

Relief flooded you, and you were ready to say how much you loved her too, and fall into her arms, and be whole and fixed and happy.

But that didn’t happen. A switch flicked in your brain, one that had been itching to be pushed ever since you had arrived here. You were gone, reduced to a mere vessel for a powerful entity to control your actions, and execute whatever evil deeds they may please.

It was for this reason you felt more an onlooker of your actions, like you were watching a movie in first person.

You watched as your feet moved towards her, then felt them jump up, and the impact as you kicked Natasha to the floor. You looked at your hands and they had already taken the gun from the holster on her hip, turning off the safety and pointing it at her chest as she laid on the ground, unmoving. Your body was ready for her to get up and fight you, but she did not resist or make any attempt at stopping you.

So, slowly, your feet carried you backwards as you still trained the gun on Natasha. You reached the end of the hallway and tore your gaze from Natasha, still holding the gun out in front of you as you turned the corridor and headed away, fleeing the compound.

 


	4. Can't You Let Me Know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The both of you now separated again, you have a chance to mull over your emotions towards each other, and other things in life, and an opportunity to make some decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again!  
> I would like to dedicate this chapter to my amazing friend (you know who you are ;) ) for her never ending support and encouragement of me and my works!  
> I don't bite - message me on Tumblr @natalia-alianovna-bw  
> Also I hope you all appreciate me failing my exams to write this instead.  
> oh well.
> 
> Enjoy!!! Let me know what you think in comments pls xxxx Love you all xxx

The sounds of the wood surrounded you and attempted to calm you down. It was peace and tranquillity. You were anything but.

Your mind was a dangerous place at the best of times, but now the powerful concoction of emotions were swirling round and round, never giving you a break, only building in force and creating something even more dangerous.

Guilt - for what you had done to Natasha, for betraying her ever undoubting trust in you. For running away when she was open to you, when she finally confessed she needed you.

Terror - of the beast in the back of your mind, the one that took control of you. It had done what it needed and retreated now, but its presence placed a weight in your chest, and dragged on your back.

Love - for Natasha and everything she did for you. For what she was still willing to do for you. For how she made you feel and think, and breathe and see. 

No emotion you felt was moderate, and you felt claustrophobic in your mind. The only escape was now out of reach, and it was all your fault.

The gun in stuffed in your belt dug into your hip and reminded you of the reality of the situation; this was not just about you sitting poetically and thinking in a forest full of birds and trees. No song would be written about this, no choir would come in about a girl searching for herself. No artist would draw a sketch, capturing the glimpses of light which passed through the tangle of green leaves above, illuminating the path in your mind you had to take. 

This was about something bigger than a lone girl. It was about a love and a bond between two people, and the forces that pulled them together, then tore them apart. The system and never ending loop of terror, love, and fear. It consumed you.

You tried not to think of Natasha, but it was impossible, as she was now at the essence of all your actions. You could not imagine how she was feeling now, or what she was doing. Maybe the other Avengers would be coming to kill you. But if they were that was out of your control, so you did not spare it a second thought. They mattered little to you.

Natasha was your world.

You had denied it for years but it was true.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_ Natasha was the first in your class to do it. _

_ She had stared at the target unapologetically, before coolly pulling the trigger on the gun, placing it down, and stepping away nonchalantly. _

 

_ You thought you would never forgive her. You thought whilst she saw a blank face, with no life, no story, only born to serve the purpose of her killing him, you saw a beautiful person, so full of life and hope, love and joy, anger and passion. You had searched for the story of his life in his eyes, looking for a glimpse into his past. _

_ Had he a family? Children perhaps, or parents to look after. What was his work? What were his hobbies? _

_ A thousand unanswerable questions raced through your mind, as now he lay a lifeless figure in front of you, the blood slowly seeping towards Natasha. _

_ Now he had nothing, was nothing. Natasha had made him that - a pile of organs to be cleaned up. _

 

_ You did not look at Natasha or speak to her for the rest of the day. Every time you saw her you saw him too, and his blood coated her hands and her soul. _

_ You thought she didn’t care. _

_ You had thought you two were the only sane ones here - now you were completely alone. You would never kill, you said to yourself. You would rather them kill you. _

 

_ But too soon the next day rolled round, and another victim was tied up in front of you. This time, it was your turn, of course. You felt yourself going to pick up the gun, and staring at this time, a woman. She looked older, perhaps in her late sixties or seventies, yet still full of life. There was no need to end this. _

_ However watchful glares burned into the back of your head, and as much as your heart ached, your hands were following an automatic pattern. _

_ Before you even knew you had done it, you had pulled the trigger. _

_ She slumped backwards. _

_ You moved on. _

 

_ Later that day you had turned to Natasha with apologetic eyes. _

_ ‘I’m sorry.’ you whispered in Russian, ever fearful of being caught showing any kind of emotion in this place. _

_ You didn’t need to explain what you were sorry for. You weren’t apologising to Natasha for killing her, no, this was already growing insignificant in the back of both your minds. You were apologising for thinking she did it first because she did not care. _

_ ‘They have us, y/n,’ Natasha had replied softly and sadly, trying to explain to you why you had both done it, for all your righteous morals. ‘They control us. That is something we cannot help. One day though, we can avenge it.’ _

_ Her words were an odd kind of encouragement, to anyone else they would have sounded negative and hopeless, but it was what the both of you needed. You had reached the point where losing control of your actions was more comforting than taking responsibility for them. _

_ They truly had you. _

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Natasha had waited until you were gone before standing up and running to her room, slamming and locking the door, preparing for the long run. She had dashed around, hiding anything that showed any personality, it all reminding her of her betrayal of you. Items were picked up and slammed in drawers, and soon the room was an empty shell, a ghost of what it used to be. Everything was still there, just pushed away, hidden out of sight. Repressed. Alone.

All the other Avengers knew what happened thanks to Tony’s thorough security coverage, and they all left Natasha to herself. She had shown a side of herself they didn’t even know existed in her, and whilst some stayed away from her from fear, others respect, some were simply just confused.

Natasha alternated between pacing, and sitting eerily still on the floor for hours on end. 

She thought of all the moments you had shared, and tried to forget no emotion. For her emotionless exterior, inside she held onto each and every emotion, and took time to understand what each one meant to her.

She had lost years of her life to that place, and she wanted to experience a full life now. She appreciated everything that was given to her, and even everything she worked for. Nothing was too little for her; she was just grateful for this second chance.

She feared now however, she was losing it. She had tried to tell herself she could live this new life without you. But that was only because she had believed you were dead. She had mourned you, and carried your loss as a heavy weight in her chest for so long. She would never explain to you though, knowing that what you had been through in the past few years of your separate lives would have been so much worse than her.

She would never forgive herself for falling for their trick.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ You had been taught to be the best. And it was for this reason you believed you were better than the teachers, even. _

_ The two of you had an escape plan, and you had planned it for the past year. It was unpredictable, thorough, and (in your opinions) unstoppable. _

 

_ You had both made it out of the compound, and although the coast was far from clear, the worst part was over. You had begun to let your guard slip just slightly, and maybe that was why you had run blindly into their trap whilst Natasha had skipped right over it just in front of you. _

_ When she turned around to check you were behind her, the gunshots started, and she saw red seeping through the grass and towards her. _

_ The blood was coming for her, just as with the first man she had killed. _

_ For each kill, she counted, but none of them were comparable to this. _

 

_ The silence was not deafening, but perfect. No insect breathed, no piece of grass dare lean to its side. It was the perfect, efficient kill. _

_ She stood up and moved on. _

_ But never from you. _

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

It was her love for you though, that shined through the strongest. The pain was still there, it always would be, but right now, her affection for you overshadowed everything else. Happy memories gave her comfort, but not the comfort she needed.

She needed you.

So, she was going to get you.

 


	5. Strung Up, Strung Out For Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will Natasha be able to find you, all alone and in need of her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so endgame fucked me right up  
> im gonna sue marvel  
> but in the meantime I finally got round to writing this chapter - its taken so long because it's been a hard one to write for some reason and im not happy with it at all but I do need to just publish it so I can move on  
> there is only meant to be one more chapter to this, but there are some themes that I want to explore more, so let me know if you want more!  
> Thanks again for all your support <3

These chains never leave me pt 4

 

Natasha silently left her room. She instructed FRIDAY not to tell the others where she was unless she needed assistance, and crept down the clinical corridors of the compound. It was true that she did not know where you were, but she could take a good guess at where you would feel safest, and she also suspected you would not have gone far away - you needed the comfort and safety of at least knowing she was close.

She left dressed in only normal clothes, not feeling the need for a battle suit or weapons with you. Although you had turned on her, you had not hurt her, and her trust in you was still implicit. She had no fear, only of losing you.

As she left the compound, she picked up her pace, running through the surrounding fields, heading for the woods. They were large, and the clouds overhead threatened thunder, but she did not care. These would not matter to her.

She knew something else too - if any part of you wanted her to find you, she would be able to. You would have left trails, clues, even subconsciously, and only she would be able to follow them to you.

But, she knew that if you did not want her to find you, it would be a near impossible task. You had been trained to hide from corporations such as the Avengers, and for all Natasha’s iron will, she was still doubtful she could find you if you disappeared.

She pushed this to the back of her mind.

For now, she was finding you, and you wanted to be found.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

_ Hide and seek, they had called it. A game that the other children play. The not chosen ones. For once, you were all excited to be like them. _

_ Each of you had scampered off, crawling and climbing to the most obscure places you could think off. You and Natasha had gone together, and giggled as you helped each other climb into the vents, certain you would be the winners. _

_ It wasn’t long though, before a small hissing sound was heard, not dissimilar to a gas being released. Your skin began to itch, and you both started coughing. Breathing became harder and soon your lungs were burning with each breath you took. Tears were forming in both of your eyes, and you were the first to give in and kick open the cover, and you both stumbled out, coughing and spluttering, right into the trainers arms. _

_ You were both punished - but so was everyone, the usual. _

_ There were moments when it hit you every now and again, what the life you were living was, and what it was going to be when you grew up and graduated. _

_ That was one of the moments - when you realised nothing would ever be fun, or simple for you. No game would ever be for playing, no song for singing. Everything would have an ulterior motive, and everything you did you would be taught and trained and punished until you were perfect. _

 

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~ _

You felt as if every action you took was haunted by them still. But you were trying to push past it, because you really wanted Natasha. There was an almost childlike longing, and now you were alone and had pushed that part of your mind away (for now, you reminded yourself) you just wanted to curl up in a ball and wail Natasha’s name until she came and saved you.

You didn’t though - because you had just attacked her, and although you knew she would never come to hurt you, others might do. And it was what you deserved.

But you  _ wanted  _ Natasha.

So bad.

 

The soft sound of rustling made you spin around in the direction it had come from suddenly, and you were on alert again. You started to crouch, only protectively though, not preparing to be on the offensive.

Then you saw her.

A stunning red against the forest backdrop, she looked perfectly at home here. Her eyes were darting all over, and she was moving quickly and efficiently.

Then she saw you.

And you stared at her, and for once you let the longings over take you, because  _ god, that woman was beautiful.  _ And she had said it herself - she was always yours.

You ran towards her, and she opened her arms for you to collapse into, and you both fell to the floor of the woods, her protecting you as you fell in her arms. She winced slightly but rolled over, so you were both lying on the damp floor, and she wrapped her arms around you once again.

‘Natasha….’ you whispered, staring at her and you reached your hand out to her face, tracing your hand over it. She layed perfectly still, her ever watchful eyes staring back at you. 

‘y/n…’ she sighed in return, and tugged you closer to her.

Your hand brushed over her lips, silently asking her permission, and she gave you the tiniest of nods, and you rushed in. When your lips met hers, you were transported back to all them years ago, and the first time you had kissed her. And then every time after that. You treasured each and every moment with her, as she did with you. There was nothing you wouldn’t give to be with her, and as she kissed you back, reassuringly and slowly, you knew she felt the same too.

You weren’t sure how long you both layed there, alternating between softly kissing and just staring at each other, both almost only just daring to believe this could be real, and that you could be so lucky.

But as the time went on, you knew you would have to talk or move at some point.

‘Will you protect me?’ was what came out of your mouth before you could stop yourself, and you immediately regretted it. Of course she would protect you, that was evident. ‘From myself, I mean. If I try to hurt you, or anyone else, will you stop me?’

It was a heavy first topic of conversation, but it was the most important thing to you, the one thing that would always haunt your mind. And what you were implying, Natasha understood.

‘Of course.’ She replied, and lied for the first time ever to you. She liked to think she was noble, and honest, and if - god forbid - it ever came to it, she would follow your wishes and kill you. But in the back of her mind she knew she could never do it.

She was too in love with you, she would sacrifice herself, or anyone else to save you. After all this time, there was nothing she wouldn’t do for you. To keep you safe. And in her mind, that meant alive.

‘I love you.’ You said simply, as relief spread through you, like a river rushing in and filling your body with only love and joy, and you had  _ hope,  _ hope of a beautiful life with her.

Your dreams, they were about to come true.

‘I love you too.’ She grinned at you, and leaned into kiss you again, this time rolling herself so she was lying over you.

Neither of you could stop smiling this time as you kissed again, and you couldn’t if you tried stop feeling happy and in love. It was the strangest feeling, but you never wanted it to end, and you never wanted Natasha to leave your side again.

 


	6. Never Knew I Was A Dancer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of fluff, a game of Truth and Dare, a bit of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is supposedly the final chapter to this! However as you may notice, there will be some loose threads, and I do have some ideas in my head about the future for the pair.  
> As always feedback and comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> Thanks for the continued support.  
> And if this is the last one - then enjoy!

 

Something changed in you whenever you were around Natasha. You couldn’t name it, and perhaps you were the only person in the world to ever feel this then. But the feeling spread though you slowly and filled you with a glowing warmth, which seemed to shine through your blood and you skin, and make the world just that little bit better. With her by your side, there was only yourself to fear. And now after what she had promised, you didn’t have to worry too much about that either.

Finally, you dared to dream and hope, that maybe, just maybe, this would work out for you. You could start a new life, and Natasha would help you get rid of the monsters that lived in your mind, and you could saves lives and see beautiful things.

And you had never felt guilty and you didn’t now - Natasha would take care of you. She would hold you and calm you down, and bring you food and water, and constantly check how you were, and just carry you places so you didn’t even have to walk. It was how it had always been. Except this time you could allow yourself to be happy.

You were  _ free. _

 

Natasha felt it too, the sudden relief and lightness in you. As she held you in her arms in the woods, she saw a sparkle in your eye that she had never seen before, and it looked like happiness. Pure, simple, innocent, childlike, happiness. And she would do everything in her power to make sure you were as happy as you could be.

After god knows how long, you both began to sit up, and the sky was darkening. Not that sleeping in the woods would be impossible (oh no, you had both survived far worse than that), but you did both feel it was time to go back.

Natasha stood up first and wordlessly offered you a hand which you took and she pulled you up, before taking you by surprise and swinging you round so you were on her back, like a piggyback.

‘Nat!’ you squealed in shock and started giggling as she began to head back.

‘Yes, my little  утенок?’ she feigned innocence and carried on walking through the woods, the trees becoming silhouettes as the sun set.

‘I can walk!’ you protested, kicking her side lightly.

‘But I can carry you.’ she countered with a smirk, and held onto you tighter. You sighed and conceded, and you both knew you were enjoying it.

It was a long way, but the silence that enveloped you somehow made it go quicker, and soon the compound was in sight, and you were growing sleepy on Natasha’s back. 

Unusually, you barely registered when you arrived back at the compound, and as Natasha gently pushed open the door to the lounge, you rubbed your eyes and looked around dozily. All the Avengers were there (as usual) and once again they all turned to you as you entered.

‘Natasha! Thank god you’re okay.’ Clint sighed in relief and stood up instinctively to hug her, then slowed down and stood awkwardly as you stayed clinging to her back.

‘Where have you been?’ Tony asked, before Pepper could stomp on his foot and stop him.

‘In the woods,’ Natasha replied vaguely, before sliding you off her back gently and placing you on the floor. You continued to lean on her though, and she wrapped her arms around you. 

‘Me and y/n would like to request a week off duty.’ Natasha asked, and kissed the top of your head softly as you smiled at her request.

‘I’m okay…’ you mumbled into her quietly, but she just chuckled and waited for a reply.

‘Of course Nat!’ Pepper smiled widely at her. ‘I don’t think you’ve ever taken a holiday before anyway.’ She added, almost pitifully.

Natasha was a little bit off put by the way everyone was looking at her - but then she realised, she had so naturally taken to her roll with you that she forgot mostly everyone else saw her as some emotionless robot.

You felt her stiffen slightly, unsure how to act now. Obviously she would do anything for you, but you didn’t want to make her uncomfortable in front of her workmates and friends.

‘Would you like to stay and play a game? We were about to start truth or dare. Unless you’re tired and want to go to bed, of course.’ Tony offered kindly, and you both guessed it was him who suggested the game, by the slight cheeky twinkle in his eye.

‘y/n?’ Natasha asked you so softly only you could hear. You responded by just nodding ever so slightly, which she felt against her chest as you were so close.

‘Yeah, okay.’ Natasha smiled to Tony and the others and sat down next to Clint on the floor. You stayed by her side of course, and she pulled you into her lap once you were on the floor.

‘Are you okay with this?’ You asked gently her in Russian, but she just nodded and brushed away your concerns, before the game soon started.

‘We have a list of truths and dares because when we make our own sometimes people get… upset.’ Pepper explained to you, and you nodded. You didn’t really mind how they did it to be honest, you just couldn’t keep the small smile off your face as long as you were in Natasha’s lap.

‘Okay! Steve first.’ Tony smirked.

‘Dare.’ Steve replied, and you could see even the slight fear in his eyes.

As the game continued you started to laugh and join in the fun, Natasha always holding you carefully and kissing you on the top of your head every now and again.

It was when the game had been going on for a while and it was becoming obvious that people were avoiding picking either of you, Clint finally picked Natasha.

‘Dare,’ Natasha chose easily. There was a lot she never wanted to reveal, and she kept herself a pretty private person. She also felt she would be up to any dare they could give her, as whatever it was, she had probably done the same thing before, just 10 times worse.

Clint reached his hand into the dare bucket and pulled out a piece of paper. You squeezed Natasha’s arm gently, and waited for Clint, who had a growing grin on his face.

‘Give the person opposite you a hickey.’ He finally said, and everyone laughed, looking to Wanda who was opposite Natasha.

‘Fine.’ Natasha pretended to be unfazed and moved you off her, before crawling over to Wanda. She couldn’t bring herself to look back at you, feeling like she was betraying you.

‘You don’t have to do it if you don’t want,’ Pepper said quickly, as whilst everyone else had been focusing on Natasha and Wanda (who was slowly growing redder and redder), she had been watching you. There was something in your eyes that didn’t sit quite right with Pepper, and although she couldn’t tell what, she didn’t want to sit by and watch you get hurt.

Natasha finally glanced back to you at Pepper’s words, but you just smiled and nodded at her.

‘It’s only a game,’ you pointed out, and Natasha could see what was up. It wasn’t that you were jealous, or anything to do with Wanda.

It was what everything led back to.

Them.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

_ ‘Natalia!’ a harsh voice shouted and she jumped up and to attention. _

_ ‘ _ _ Да!’ she replied, awaiting her instruction. _

_ ‘You will be our example. Today your training begins in seduction.’ The trainer explained. _

_ You were only 8, Natasha was 10. It seemed nothing was too young for them. _

_ You were only friends with her at this point too. But this was a step too far. But then again, there was nothing you could do. _

_ It was a new trainer you had not seen before, but the way he was looking at Natasha made you squirm.  _

_ And your instincts were right. _

_ There was not the torture, or extreme physical endurance and trials. But these lessons became your most dreaded. _

_ There was never any ‘abuse’, but it was definitely not right what was happening. _

_ Every day you would watch as another of your classmates was taught how to kiss, how to walk, how to leave a hickey. _

_ It was almost worse to watch them than when it was your turn, as you had already learnt by that age to disassociate yourself from your body. _

_ It always hurt the most when it was Natasha. She was the best (of course), and the trainer’s favourite. And maybe, secretly, deep down inside you, you already knew she was meant to be yours. _

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Despite that however, Natasha trusted you when you told her to go ahead. This would be a conversation for later.

She stood up and sat next to Wanda on the sofa, and pushed down her shirt, before finally leaning down and starting to kiss and suck on her collarbone.

You couldn’t tear your eyes away, and it was so similar to scenes you had seen 3000 times before in your life.

But it was over before you knew it, and Natasha was once again by your side. She scooped you up into her lap once again, and held onto your wrist, and you knew she was measuring your heart rate. Once she was sure you were okay for now, she let go and resumed stroking your hair.

‘I pick y/n.’ She said, shocking you, but then again, maybe if she was the one who picked you she could protect you the most from whatever you had to do.

‘Truth.’ You said decisively. As opposed to Natasha’s decision, you felt more comfortable having control over what you were saying, than having to do something physical. It felt too much like before, as Natasha’s dare had proved to you.

Clint passed over the truth bucket and Natasha quickly pulled one out, before taking a deep breath and opening it.

‘Tell us about your first kiss.’ She stated simply. It was safe, she felt - you could go into as much or as little detail as you wanted, or even straight out lie.

‘Which one?’ You laughed, and everyone seemed confused except Natasha.

‘You’ve had multiple first kisses?’ Tony pushed, not willing to let this drop now. He knew not to go too far however; he was scared of Natasha (rightly so).

‘The first time I kissed someone I was eight. He was 30, at least. It was strictly professional.’

You started. You felt that if these people were to become your team, the people you trusted your life with, and they would trust you with their lives, they had to know at least a bit about where you came from. But it was clear from their reactions Natasha had never really talked about the Red Room. ‘We were trained in everything,’ you continued to explain, and you felt Natasha grip your arm slightly, so you decided to draw back. ‘I guess Natasha hasn’t told you much. So it’s not my right to tell you now. But it was awful, there’s no hiding that. I’m just glad I’m safe now.’

‘I’m so sorry.’ Pepper sighed, and everyone else nodded and hummed their condolences.

‘We don’t need pity,’ you grimaced slightly, ‘but thank you. What we need is a chance to right our wrongs. And you are giving us that.’ 

You turned round to face Natasha and she smiled at you sadly, but nodded in agreement with what you were saying.

‘My first real kiss however,’ you tried to quickly move on, but spoke facing Natasha still. ‘I was thirteen. You were fourteen, I think?’ you checked and Natasha nodded once again.

You shuffled round to face the others before you continued. ‘She would sneak into my bed at night to tuck me in. But one night she couldn’t bring herself to leave, and then yeah, we kissed. Nothing more. But it was those moments that got me through each day. I wouldn’t be here without Natasha.’ You grew quieter towards the end, and blinked back the tears that threatened to spill. You tried to chuckle softly at yourself, but Natasha was squeezing you tightly and meaningfully.

‘I wouldn’t be here without y/n, either.’ Natasha admitted, barely audible, and it was taking a lot for her to bare her soul like this in front of everyone, but she needed too. ‘So don’t anyone hurt her or else you’ll have me to face.’ She fake threatened with a chuckle, but everyone knew she was (deadly) serious.

‘Natalia.’ You admonished her and rolled your eyes playfully. ‘Okay, I pick Tony.’ You finally moved on, and no one picked either of you again.

As the laughs continued, and the evening faded away, you knew you were going to be happy here.

You had a new chance at life, with the woman you loved, and had always loved. You would have friends, and do good in the world.

You silently thanked the stars for what they had given you now. 

Natasha.

  
  



End file.
